Every so often I get sick – my mental health goes down the tubes. When it does, everything is a fight. Waking up, interacting with my family, going out, seeing friends, eating, working ... well, everything. I may eventually write about what kind of mental health issues I sometimes face, but not now, I'm not ready for that. What I will say is that the plunge into darkness always begins with perfectionism and a sense that my whole life is wrong and must be immediately corrected with massive changes. The last time I wrote here, back in the spring, I mentioned this battle with perfectionism – I feel upset that it keeps coming back and sinking me, a couple of times a year usually, but for weeks.
Even as I write this post, I feel annoyed with myself that I am using commas where some other structure would be better, that I am using general words instead of specific ones. But I am going to plow on, because that's actually the healthy thing to do. I once took a brilliant creative writing class focused on how to write a novel, and holy smokes did I ever write a great three pages. Then I spent hours and hours revising those three pages. The writing got worse – forced and tortured into a state of stilted awfulness. Nothing sprang from the pages anymore and I gave up. I just gave up. Sad but true, and emblematic of the reason I am dedicating this blog for the rest of November 2021 to making things less sad.
It's November 8, not November 1 as I would like it to be. I would like my fresh start to begin crisply on the first of the month. But too bad! There is nothing to do but begin now, and maybe it is a sign from the universe that beginning late is in fact the point here.
What am I beginning? The caution here is that it can't be big. I can't change everything in one month (less than one month). But I can change some habits. I can explore how doing a few things differently might alter how I feel about myself and make life feel more fulfilling and exciting.
Here are some commitments I hope to follow through on:
- No more sleeping in unless it's for a nurturing rather than avoiding-the-day kind of reason.
- 10 minutes in the morning of composing an intention for the day and what I want from it.
- As much herbal tea as coffee and beer. And water. I need to drink a ton more water than I usually do.
- One decision/gesture/conversation/moment a day that makes someone else feel great.
- 15 minutes a day of exercise and 5,000 steps.
- 20 minutes a day of writing here or elsewhere.
- Some special hours with my parents every week.
- An exploration of something I find interesting every day, whether it's a word, concept, book, or whatever.
- Not worrying about my writing wherever it happens. Let it just be okay rather than perfect.
- Asking my husband to play Scrabble with me, go for a walk, or watch a show every day.
- Handwriting a letter every week to a friend.
- Playing the lottery at least twice a week because I would be very good at being a millionaire.
Okay so it's 1:12 pm on Monday, November 8. So far today I have:
- Not worked. That's okay because this post, and the thinking leading up to it, is important.
- Sent a surprise package of two books to special people. I think they will love them!
- Talked to an amazing friend I haven't spoken with for far too long. She's pregnant! Such wonderful news.
- Received the Coal and Canary candle I have been so excited about. It smells just as good as I hoped it would.
- Written this post. And not edited it.
If I hadn't written about these small accomplishments/enjoyments here, I would have forgotten them. I would not have grasped how much better they made my day. And I would not have been as thankful for being alive on November 8, 2021. Thank you for this day, universe (and whoever/whatever is in charge up there!).
See you tomorrow, Blogthecat.ca. I look forward to it!
k.
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