blogthecat

Man Forms Book Club

Not to get too stereotypical, but book clubs are generally the purview of women. They are sometimes successful but often find these—often contradictory—complaints lodged against them:

• Only half the members actually read the books
• Half the members are overeager snots and half are annoying ignoramuses
• All that ever happens is we drink ourselves drunk and lose the thread
• There’s never enough booze to make it fun
• I don’t get to talk enough and I’m right and everyone else is a dumbass
• If she #@!!% opens her mouth again I’m going to have to shove this breadstick down her gullet

Things like that. From what I’ve heard.

So it’s with great interest that I note the formation of a new book club into which Craig has been inducted: the three-member Book Club for Men established by our friend Raoul. Raoul has, as is tradition when forming a book club, laid down the law for the unique parameters of BCM gatherings:

• Book Club For Men will meet semi-regularly at a pub/bar of agreeable taste
• BCM will not hold exclusive membership, but those who are jaded, doggishly loyal, or earnest will be discouraged
• BCM will not discuss books

Raoul concludes with his fondest aspiration for BCM: “If it works well, maybe we'll end up fighting in alleys. One can only hope.”

It’s an ambitious program, but BCM may just be the radical model we need to shake things up. I’ll be watching. Or at least giving Craig Tylenol when he stumbles in, mysteriously edified.

F*ck Off All You Pregnancy/Child Development Scaremongers!

A nice positive post to get things rolling ...

Yesterday at the chiropractor's (a practice I’m still nervous about but have resorted to in desperation due to some wicked pregnancy sciatica), I picked up a local pregnancy/baby resources newspaper and found this special column:

In the News

1. "Research shows a potential link between a pregnant mother's use of painkillers, and her son being born with undescended testicles:

'Use of mild painkillers such as acetaminophen, aspirin and ibuprofen during pregnancy may partly account for a sharp increase in male reproductive disorders in recent decades, according to a study published Monday.'

The research found that women who took a combination of more than one mild analgesic during pregnancy had an increased risk of giving birth to sons with undescended testicles.

2. Stress during pregnancy may lower a child's IQ as much as 15 points:

'Severe stress during pregnancy can damage a baby's brain and put the child at greater risk of anxiety, depression, and ADHD later on in adolescence, according to British research revealed last week.'

The higher the levels of cortisol—a stress hormone—in the womb, the lower the toddler's "baby IQ" at 18 months, the researchers found."

Having been informed last year by a similarly naturopathic publication that my son was 4x more likely at age 18 to be a criminal due to his having been delivered via forceps, I received this new business of undescended testicles, emotional disorders, and lower IQ with what can only be summed up as “WTF?”

Pregnancy, delivery, and child rearing are stressful enough without media like this making parents worry in vain about things over which they have very little control. If your baby isn’t progressing during delivery, something has to be done (hopefully not forceps but possibly). If you’re in great pain during pregnancy, you might have to take some Tylenol. And if you’re like me and a lot of other women I know, you’re going to feel some additional stress during pregnancy, if only because of changed hormone levels and anxiety over baby’s imminent arrival.

I say lay off the horror stories and scaremongering—especially when you're going to report it as cursorily, in so sensationalist a fashion, and with so little context as the above column does—and focus on information we really need and can actually work on. How to prepare ourselves physically and mentally for birth … how to raise caring, emotionally developed sons … how to build self-esteem in our daughters … how to remain in touch with each other and the world as parents. That’s news we can use.

If I do in fact have to deal with criminal activity, genital abnormality, or cognitive/emotional disorders in my children at some point, I’ll deal with it at that time, and through the appropriate resources and professionals. Until then, I raise my middle finger high and with feeling to irresponsibly alarmist publications that publish columns like the ones refenced in this post.

Hi again

Well hello, blogthecat. I have been both missing you and avoiding you over the past couple of years because I didn’t know how to treat you since becoming a mom April 30, 2008. This was because I didn’t know how to treat becoming a mom—didn’t know which feelings were allowed and not allowed (yes, I could put quote marks around “allowed”), which ones were strictly private and which were okay for public consumption, which ones I’d love to voice but would regret having shared later, etc. I didn’t know how to write about my life—its moments, frustrations, and revelations—and my take on things without including Oliver, who is in every fibre of my being and who influences such a scarily huge proportion of my experience. At the same time, I didn’t want blogthecat to become all about momhood and Oliver. It was starting to go that way, and it made me feel kind of queasy and swallowed up. Like I wasn’t a person outside of him, and like I would be forever trapped in a focus on nurturing, capturing special moments, and solving quirky baby/toddler behavioural conundrums.

Blogthecat had been eclectic before Oliver, and all of a sudden it was single-focused and superficial in how I spoke of motherhood and how I felt about it. The truth is, that first year was HARD, as much as I loved Oliver and how much support I got from Craig. But I felt too guilty, as if I were a "bad" mother, to write about the tougher aspects ... like wondering resentfully if I would ever get off the couch again without a baby locked on to me like a great alien sucker-fish, and cursing silently and not-so-silently as that baby refused for more than a year to go in the stroller without screaming and kicking the entire time, thwarting my sweet dream of somehow dropping the 50+ pounds I had put on in pregnancy and resulting in all sorts of damage to my back. I thought these less thrilling aspects were verboten to speak out loud ... that they were simply the price you paid willingly, gratefully, and quietly for the gift of your wee one.

I thought and thought about what to do … didn’t want to say goodbye forever to blogthecat, wanted to resume writing about things I would find interesting whether or not I had Oliver in my life, yet wanted to respect and express that massive part of me that is now and for all time touched by Oliver (and soon, his baby sister).

My solution … the one I am trying out for now … is to move Oliver and mommish posts to a new blog, The Bam Bam Blog, and to make blogthecat a place where I write about the rest of my life.

I am a little daunted by this separation. I’m pretty sure, especially given baby girl’s being expected in early March, that I’m going to have quite some bit to say on The Bam Bam Blog. It will doubtlessly be addled by sleep deprivation and the chaos of two rather than one, but it will be easier to write given its ever-presentness and intensity.

Will there be enough “rest of my life” to write about on blogthecat? I'll have to see, and maybe force it when it doesn’t come naturally. As much as I want to be a doting and involved mom for my kids when they’re this small, I also want to retain my sense of self so that when they get older, I won’t look up and go, “Yes, now what exactly am I meant to do now?” We all do this to some degree sometimes I think, but I don’t want to exacerbate it by losing touch with the rest of the world outside my family. And I’ll bet that if I remain interested and even interesting, there’s a better chance my kids will turn out that way, too.

These are the sorts of things I imagine will be fodder for the revamped blogthecat:

• Excellent achievements of my friends and people I admire
• Food I cook on the rare occasion I cook, recipes I ogle but will never actually get the time to try out, and restaurants/cookbooks/brands that make me quiver
• Raves about books/movies I love and want you to love too
• Notes about daily life—the good and the bad
• Interviews with people who are doing cool things, or on why they love something they do
• Stuff out there in the world that amazes me or that I feel strongly about
• Reflections/moments in my family life (not every day, but sometimes).

It seems a hopeful list for a hopeful day of the year. I look forward to using it as a guide to keep me oriented during what will likely be a crazy few months ahead. All the best in 2011 to everyone who reads this; come back and visit as often as you can.